There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize