i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
