Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize