It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wear drunk well.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
