My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
