I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize