I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Randomize
