I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
