if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
