I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she told me i tasted like america
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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