My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
