I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Randomize
