First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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