There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
