Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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