Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
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She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
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I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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