I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
