He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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