Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
