He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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