when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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