i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
