Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
