guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
