I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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