She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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