I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
