I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
