if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
