i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
