I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
