I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
