If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
