Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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