Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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