My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
