fuck your aforementioned shoe
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
