I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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