There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
