Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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