my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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