i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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