You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
