I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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