Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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