He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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