the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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