so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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