I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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