So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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