She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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