im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
