My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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