You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
