i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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