I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
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Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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